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was I going to do? Surrounded by beautiful women I couldn't
escape. From all sides they were coming up to me and saying things like, "Would you
like the latest edition of 'ShowDaily.' "Here is a
brochure on 'Super Duper Game.' They make me hand out
this stuff. Sorry." I ask, "Who's the
publisher?" She replies, "Oh, some game company I
think."
I ran in horror. How could this
be? She apologized for forcing me to take an advertising
brochure. Then it dawned on me. These booth babes were victims
just like me. They didn't want to hand out all these brochures
or stand around suggestively. It was clear, some Evil Overlord
was in control and making everyone dance to his (or her)
strings. It was then that I determined to find out exactly
what was behind this conspiracy.
Strategy. I needed one badly.
So far I'd only been wandering around aimlessly finding myself
gawking at...the...er...games and trying to keep my mind pure.
Stunned by the pomp and glitz of the place I realized I was being
sucked into the black hole of E3. I needed to figure out how
to regain control. Maybe if I used my super ray gun of
ultimate destruction and laid waste to the entire show...oh
wait...that was a game I'd just seen.
Realizing that I needed a break from the
show to gather my thoughts I went to lunch. $30 bucks for a
cheeseburger! That did the trick. I took a seat and
wolfed down a really expensive and lousy cheeseburger and tried to
figure out how I was going to penetrate to the ultimate secret of E3
and uncover the Evil Overlord's sinister plot.
It was clear that the Evil Overlord of E3
wanted me to be overawed by his majesty and the majesty of this pageant.
I could fight that one easily enough. I could blindfold
myself...er no that wouldn't work. Hmm, there was only
one choice. I had to wade into the thick of it and simply
overcome the vast temptations that awaited me. With that deep
strategy in mind I said a quick prayer of thanks to cover the food
I'd just eaten and headed back into the lion's den.
Showing the neck strap card to get in (Ha!
Maybe next year it'll be stapled to my forehead or glued to the back
of my hand!), I entered the fray once more. Then I saw
it. At the first booth I spied an object. It was a
keychain with a miniature game controller on the end. That was
it! That was how I could defeat the booth babe eye
magnets. And it was so, sorta.
I moved from booth to booth, searching for
little trinkets, toys and t-shirts that were being given away.
I picked up a miniature soccer ball stamped with the name of a
gaming company, I picked up a poster then a little bendable
stick. I grabbed magazine after magazine. At one point I
found myself in a crowd of people jumping up and down waving my
hands and yelling, "Throw the T-Shirt to me!
Me!" I got one. I was into this. Who cares
about booth babes when you can get all this free stuff!
I thought of all the booth babes I'd walked
by and hardly noticed: ones dressed in leather, or dressed
like Laura Croft or dressed as a new character in a new game.
Their hair was perfect, their smiles pasted on sweetly. Their
... er <cough>...well maybe it wasn't as successful as I'd
thought.
I was standing under a Winnebago which was decked out
as an urban assault vehicle. A guy on top was throwing down
balsa airplanes. I was hopping around, trying to grab one out
of the air. They always flew just out
of my reach or someone would snatch up the prize by stepping in
front of me. How rude! I got so
frustrated. I just had to have one of those balsa airplanes. So I
yelled out, "Gimme one! I'll do anything to get
one! I'll buy your game when it comes out!" One of
the airplanes flew right into my hand.
Thus, I had one. Grinning in pleasure at my
prize I ran off a ways and looked over my airplane. It was
missing a tail! Horrified I went back to the scene of my crime
and searched the ground for the missing tail. All I could find
was broken pieces of balsa airplanes littering the floor. I
got on my knees and scrounged around till I found a piece suitable
enough. Gaggling in pleasure I added it to my bag of
loot and stared around, wide eyed, drool dripping down my chin and a
weird groaning coming from my throat. More stuff. I need
more stuff!
Then it hit me like a ton of bricks.
I'd fallen into one of the Evil Overlord's traps. I was
"trolling" for loot. More insidious than the booth
babes, this one snuck up on me. Who could have known how
dangerous that key chain was? I flopped down wanting to
cry. But being a guy I didn't.
I had to get out. Energized by the
realization I'd just barely escaped certain doom, I fled the place
and returned to my hotel. There I collapsed on my bed and
thought through the day's events and where I'd gone wrong. To
my horror, I hadn't even seen half of the show yet!
This was going to be tougher than I
thought. With only one more day left, I knew that my chances
were slim. The Evil Overlord was too entrenched and hidden
behind lies, deceit, and the labyrinth of game booths. How was
I to uncover the evil plot? I nearly wept in frustration, but
as you know I'm a guy so I didn't.
Instead I went to dinner,
returned and strategized for the next day. I planned out my route of
attack this time. No more randomly waking around. I knew
the lay of the land now. With renewed confidence I flopped
onto my bed to grab some fitful sleep and said a silent prayer of thanks for the dinner
I'd had hours earlier. Yes, I was going to succeed tomorrow.
Tomorrow came. I got up, showered and
dressed quickly. Then before I knew it I was back into the evil grip of the
show. The pressure was palpable. More booth babes
grinned at me and invited me into their booths. Knowing the
dangers now I refused to heed their siren call and determined to
look at the actual games and hardware instead. I refused to
troll for stuff (except for the stuff that just happened to be close
enough to grab...I was going that way anyhow!) and concentrated on
my quest.
I passed by a game that had Orcs riding in undersized cars shooting each other. I went by and
watched two Sims busily squirming around hidden under bed covers. I
went by the Duke Nukem display and saw...nothing. In vain I
searched for Daikatana, but that didn't surprise me. I saw
spectacular demonstrations of new technologies. I saw Lego
machines climbing walls. I saw lots of new roleplaying
games. One was called EverGrace. Could that be a
Christian game? Nahh. Well, it was a brief moment (and the only moment) where a
glimmer of hope glowed brightly in me that some vestige of Christ
might actually be in this den of horrors and evil.
I spent countless minutes glued to the game
kiosks playing the latest games, investigating the capabilities of
the PS2, the DreamCast and trying vainly to get into the Microsoft X
booth to view their demo. Everywhere there were lines.
There was a line to see the demo of the upcoming Halo game. There
was one line to get
an autograph from the "Living Dead" actor and the Prince
of Thieves actor in Hercules and Xena shows ( I can never remember
his name but he had the longest line). And there were
more. I can't mention them all because the memory is so
painful.
Even with my plan I still couldn't figure
out where to go or what to do? I was
stymied at every turn. I couldn't get in to see the inner
sanctums of the various minions of the Evil Overlord. He must
have known I was on to him and he'd instructed everyone to keep me
out. I was getting close. I could feel it and he was
worried.
Then I hit the jackpot (just after putting
my name into the hat for a drawing to win a new car). I came
across the booth for a new game. Instead of killing things,
your character danced against aliens and ran them off with superior
boogey
talents. Boring! But just as I began to walk away, music
blew out of loud speakers next to my ear. Above me four booth
babes dressed like this dancing character came out and started
wiggling. Everyone looked. Short skirts, really low
angle and the Evil Overlord had sprung another trap. This one
was close.
Trying to pry
myself from the grips of the crowd that now stood in a trance
staring at the dancing girls, I despaired. I kept glancing up.
Then out of guilt I'd try to get further away. It was many
minutes before the heavy thumping rhythms were only background noise
against the heavy thumping rhythms coming from the next booth.
I think I had only 1 second left before the world would have
exploded. Or was that the Star Trek game I'd been playing
earlier?
As I caught my breath I realized that these
booth babes had appeared from behind a wall. I rationalized
that this was the entrance to the inner sanctum of the Evil
Overlord. Gritting my teeth, I determined to return and try
and get back behind the booth to see the truth for myself.
So I headed back. By this time, the
dancing babes had finished their dance. The mesmerized and
enslaved masses were now leaving and chanting "Buy Sega
Products. By Sega Products." I'd barely missed my
ultimate doom. Saying a quick prayer of thanks for my earlier lunch, I
headed with renewed determination toward the inner sanctum of the
Evil Overlord. It was worse than I could possibly have
imagined.
It was surprisingly easy to breach the
inner sanctum. Too easy in fact. Behind the glitz of the front
booths I now saw people seated behind tables, all working to consummate
some sort of deal. Did they know it was with the devil?
I resisted an urge to call out for them to repent and to flee this
hellish show before their souls were utterly consumed. But I couldn't reveal myself just yet. That would ruin
everything. So I watched and snuck around, read name tags and
listened closely.
The secret came down on me like two tons of
bricks, nay three tons. There he was, Bill Gates. He was
standing before a huge drawing of the show floor. On top of
the drawings were placed hundreds of big
"M's". I could hear him muttering,
"They're mine, all mine! Muahahaha! One more acquisition
and nothing will stand in my way of World Domination, nay Universal
Domination! Muahahahaha!"
At first I contemplated why Evil Overlords
always laugh the same. Then I took up the gauntlet, turned
and fled. After all I needed to get the word out. I
don't know if realized I'd penetrated to the deepest secret of E3,
but I now no longer sit with my back
to a door. And any average sized white geek approaching me on
the street causes me
to break out in a cold sweat. It's a small price to pay for getting
the word out. Viva La Resistance!
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